Listen, I’ve tried to keep this to myself but I just can’t any longer. I have to say it. That opinion you just shared? It’s really bad. It’s so, so bad. I really can’t overstate how bad it is.
Your opinion is so bad that I want to wrap it in duct tape, prop it up on my couch, and force it to watch 72 straight hours of “Two and a Half Men,” and then another 72 hours without the laugh track so it’s just Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen drinking coffee, earnestly discussing how bad they are at satisfying women sexually. That’s how bad your opinion is.
Your opinion is so bad that I want to lock it in a Yankee Candle store with all of the food-themed products emitting their fragrances at once: “Pecan Pie Bites,” “Mandarin Cranberry,” “Mango Peach Salsa,” “Toasted Pumpkin Treats” – so many smells to smell! And there’s no escaping this hellscape. Even the refreshing scent “Café Al Fresco” has now been re-engineered to more accurately smell like a ham and cheese omelet mixed with piles of trash on a hot NYC sidewalk. That’s right, breathe it in, bitch!
Your opinion is so bad that it should only be allowed to wear high-rise, low-stretch denim for the balance of the pandemic. In fact, your opinion was so abhorrent that not only should it have to wear jeans, it should also have to wear a stretched out underwire bra, like the ones they use in the before shots in the Third Love sponsored ads on my Facebook feed. If the bra is from a clearance bin at Kohl’s, your opinion should have to wear it at night on the couch while watching all those episodes of “Two and a Half Men.” That’s how bad your opinion sucks.
Your opinion is so bad that the only friend it should be allowed to have is a person who is suddenly experimenting with keto, training for an Iron Man, and aggressively co-opting New Age spirituality, all at once. Has your piece of crap opinion listened the Tony Robbins podcast? Well then, it better buckle up, because that’s all it’s going to hear about for the next six months, at least until its friend finds a new “personal growth” obsession with which to commandeer every conversation.
Your opinion is so bad that it deserves to change the shitty diaper of a teething baby at the beach on a hot windy day. Of course, there aren’t any garbage cans, so it can just stuff the dirty diaper in a greasy McDonald’s bag and subsequently forget about it in the backseat of the car until the next day. That’s the morning commute your opinion deserves.
And your opinion is so bad that instead of being fact checked and substantiated by peer-reviewed data and broad consensus among subject matter experts, it will be flippantly regurgitated as absolute truth in perpetuity through a variety of shoddily created gotcha memes and basement blogs, until there’s absolutely no discernment between subjectivity and objectivity and the republic ultimately cannibalizes itself. And that’s the future we probably deserve.