Bloody Floss Reflections

Uncategorized

There are two moments in a 24-hour span each day that ground me in the fact that I am in a perpetual state of monotony – when I’m walking into the bathroom to get ready for bed, and when I stumble into that same bathroom the next morning to get ready for the day. There’s just something so distinctively repetitive about the way my bare feet feel on the soap scummed grout, the way the smell of shampoo emanates from the shower and hits my nostrils, the way that the flickering light above the mirror causes my eyes to scramble for focus. It could be stormy, snowy, or hazy outside, but I would never know because this room at the end of my hallway has no window, just the smudged reflection of my face day in and day out. It’s a face that used to be called out for being overly expressive. You have no poker face, they’d say. Not as much now. Poker face is often all I have to give. That stony “here we go again” expression is my new normal.

Normal. Whatever that means.

For the first few months of this fiasco, I would wax poetic about a life that will inevitably return to normal. Now, deeper into this thing, I recognize that while some elements of my life will be restored to original condition, the core of my being will not. I don’t want it to. The way that my life was before – the delicate way that it spun around me each hour, day, month, year – was weak. It crumpled so easily under the pressure of what was an inevitable seismic event. It has let out countless exasperated sighs, complaints of inconvenience, and visceral shock towards human misbehavior and exploitation. How the hell can a human being exist in this universe, with unparalleled access to historical texts and surround sound global suffering, be so incredibly shook by the state of the world in 2020?

These are things that I think about as I brush my teeth in that tiny bathroom. Brush, spit, brush, spit, and then yank the floss out of its little box. As it slides across the gummy contours of my mouth, I consider how I have the gall to stand here and wallow in the mundane repetition of a world on fire and pretend like this choreographed coping is somehow novel because it’s happening to me.

I spit blood into the sink and watch it fade from red to pink to clear as it swirls down the drain. My husband reminds me that poor dental hygiene can lead to more daunting medical issues, so I’ve been committed to correcting my regimine. Yet, despite how much effort I now put into proper flossing, my mouth always bleeds violently. Every night, without fail.

Seems fitting.

Your Opinion Is Just So Incredibly Terrible

Uncategorized

Listen, I’ve tried to keep this to myself but I just can’t any longer. I have to say it. That opinion you just shared? It’s really bad. It’s so, so bad. I really can’t overstate how bad it is.

Your opinion is so bad that I want to wrap it in duct tape, prop it up on my couch, and force it to watch 72 straight hours of “Two and a Half Men,” and then another 72 hours without the laugh track so it’s just Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen drinking coffee, earnestly discussing how bad they are at satisfying women sexually. That’s how bad your opinion is.

Your opinion is so bad that I want to lock it in a Yankee Candle store with all of the food-themed products emitting their fragrances at once: “Pecan Pie Bites,” “Mandarin Cranberry,” “Mango Peach Salsa,” “Toasted Pumpkin Treats” – so many smells to smell! And there’s no escaping this hellscape. Even the refreshing scent “Café Al Fresco” has now been re-engineered to more accurately smell like a ham and cheese omelet mixed with piles of trash on a hot NYC sidewalk. That’s right, breathe it in, bitch!

Your opinion is so bad that it should only be allowed to wear high-rise, low-stretch denim for the balance of the pandemic. In fact, your opinion was so abhorrent that not only should it have to wear jeans, it should also have to wear a stretched out underwire bra, like the ones they use in the before shots in the Third Love sponsored ads on my Facebook feed. If the bra is from a clearance bin at Kohl’s, your opinion should have to wear it at night on the couch while watching all those episodes of “Two and a Half Men.” That’s how bad your opinion sucks.

Your opinion is so bad that the only friend it should be allowed to have is a person who is suddenly experimenting with keto, training for an Iron Man, and aggressively co-opting New Age spirituality, all at once. Has your piece of crap opinion listened the Tony Robbins podcast? Well then, it better buckle up, because that’s all it’s going to hear about for the next six months, at least until its friend finds a new “personal growth” obsession with which to commandeer every conversation.

Your opinion is so bad that it deserves to change the shitty diaper of a teething baby at the beach on a hot windy day. Of course, there aren’t any garbage cans, so it can just stuff the dirty diaper in a greasy McDonald’s bag and subsequently forget about it in the backseat of the car until the next day. That’s the morning commute your opinion deserves.

And your opinion is so bad that instead of being fact checked and substantiated by peer-reviewed data and broad consensus among subject matter experts, it will be flippantly regurgitated as absolute truth in perpetuity through a variety of shoddily created gotcha memes and basement blogs, until there’s absolutely no discernment between subjectivity and objectivity and the republic ultimately cannibalizes itself. And that’s the future we probably deserve.

God Grant Me the Self-Assurance of Sourdough Yeast

Uncategorized

I’ve been trying to write practically every day since the pandemic commenced and I’m finding it increasingly difficult. The polarized and ever-evolving conditions never seem “just right” for polished expression. Then again, the current conditions don’t seem right for any of my zig zagging whimsies either. Frankly, I’ve found 2020 to be almost the antithesis of whimsy. Taylor Swift just released an album, “Folklore,” one of the few prominent creatives who have released a high-profile body of work during these dark times. Her introductory note to the album states that she poured all of her “whims, dreams, fears, and musings” into it. The notion that one has successfully dumped their COVID-era whims into a critically acclaimed piece of art is enough to make me want to rip my skin off. It doesn’t help that I personally found “Folklore” to be absolutely delightful. Kill me now. 

I have myriad whims, and instead of manifesting on paper in any profound and productive way, they’re twisting and turning in my gut, manifesting as persistent acid reflux than anything that Bon Iver would want to collaborate on. That’s not to say my household has been devoid of creativity. At this exact moment, my 11-year-old daughter is in the kitchen baking “margarita cupcakes.” They have tequila in the frosting – she’s giving the people what they want! While I flail about in neutral, she’s embraced the simple pleasures of baking, celebrating her increasingly complex techniques through beautiful carb-rich creations that the entire family has relished in. I want so desperately to find refuge in the soft folds of cake batter, which will reliably coagulate in the heat. There is so much satisfaction in the beauty of a perfectly golden cupcake or bread loaf. It takes little effort to understand why supermarkets have been short on flour and yeast over the last few months. The convergence of reliability, beauty, and comfort found in the baking experience is exactly what a world that has been throttled into disarray needs.

Unfortunately, I don’t bake, I write. And nothing I can express right now can possibly be beautiful or comfortable, and certainly not reliable. My mind has been spiraling more than a hunk of ham – and my heart, which tries so hard under normal circumstances to prop up all this mental chaos with some sort of moral soundness, is like a weather-worn statue of Atlas ready to crumble on the weight of it all. Most days I’m the personification of a fallen cake, burned around the edges, mushy in the center, more savory than sweet in all the wrong ways, at which its creator yells “I don’t know what I did wrong! I followed all the instructions and it’s still completely messed up!” 

(Okay, so I did just find some joy in picturing Jesus in a well-appointed kitchen, angrily flinging chunks of confetti cake into the garbage.)

Again, I’m not sure the current conditions are right for my whims. They’re erratic, half-baked, bursting with incongruent textures and flavors, and confusing to most people I share them with. How does that integrate into said conditions, which are decidedly ripe for focused, large-scale systemic overhaul. They’re ripe for long-overdue discord, for broad dissent, and for an entire re-authoring of the world and the societies that comprise it. 

The world has proclaimed, rightly so, that creators must use their voices. They must maximize their platforms for good, to usher the hoards of willing disciples to the light of a newly conceptualized existence. We’ve already moved past the Great Pause and are now neck-deep in the Great Reset. Creators who remain stubbornly rooted in the Old World must be toppled into a six-foot deep pit of obscurity, and new thinkers must act fast, act decisively, act bravely. 

My heart acts fast, my brain is decisive, my spirit is brave. But my words, which are the mouthpiece for these admirable attributes – well, they are slow. They are scared, insecure, and they second guess at every turn. Established journalists and novelists have discerning editors that serve almost as philosophical safety nets. They are the shrewd sounding boards that reign in whimsical creators to the parameters that ensure their relevancy and resiliency. I am the writer and the editor all at once, and the checks and balances system for my own brazen expression is basically a swinging tightrope with nothing but a death fall beneath it. 

Every day I try to push through my own internal resistance and speak bold words that, unless released, will slowly erode my spirit until there’s nothing left. I can already feel the violent spiritual by-product of my fear – the sensation of getting sucked into my mattress at night, like those cursed teenagers in the “Nightmare on Elm Street” movies. Speak out and lose family and friends, burn bridges, and shiver in the chill of heightened isolation and anxiety. Don’t speak out and allow my spirit to get shredded to a bloody pulp by a Freddy Krueger-like boogeyman who rightly punishes milquetoast moderation in the wee hours of the night.

I am struggling with this conundrum. In the meantime, maybe I’ll focus my energy on a sourdough bread starter kit, just like everyone else. At least yeast knows what it’s supposed to do.

Regarding Happy Hour, Greasy Eggs, and Other Things I Miss

coronavirus

I really miss being around people in places.

I should probably be more specific here, as I don’t necessarily miss things like waiting in the slowpoke line at the Speedway to pay for my gas at the counter because the credit card reader at the pump broke. Or maybe I do? Now that I think about it, I do have some nostalgia for wandering through a convenience mart to find a perfect savory snack for the next leg of a road trip. There’s some magic in asking the cashier for the key to their disgusting bathroom, because we’ve been driving through cornfields for four hours, anxiously anticipating the arrival to our spring break destination.

(We missed spring break this year. And at the rate that we’re going weather-wise up here in northern Illinois, we might be missing spring all together. Horray for 2020.)

But I really do miss the electric bustle of my local spots, like where I normally pick up my coffee on the way to work. They finally knew my name. Getting local shopkeepers to know me by name became this badge of honor over the last few years. We moved around a lot before we bought this house, so putting down roots in one town and being on a first-name basis with business owners became a symbol of belonging and familiarity.

I hope the coffee shop owners remember my name when I finally return. I hope they’re still there when I return.

I miss my office. I miss the security guard in the lobby who never smiles but nods an acknowledgment as I clickity clack by in my heels with my coffee and my scuffed badge. I miss the mechanical sounds of printers printing papers, of hundreds of fingers pounding out emails, of coffee mugs reheating in the microwave. I miss the smell of the greasy eggs in the cafeteria. Sally, who works behind the counter, has been serving delightfully greasy eggs in that cafeteria for over 20 years. I wonder what she’s doing during this quarantine.

Is her husband making her delightfully greasy eggs so she can finally rest her feet? I hope so.

I miss wandering around the mall on the first warm afternoon of the season. I miss drifting in and out of stores that have propped open their doors to let the spring breeze in. The higher end stores light fragrant candles on lacquer shelves. I can’t afford stuff in stores that light candles on lacquer shelves, but it’s fun to chat with the shop girls and eavesdrop on old rich ladies stocking up on embroidered tunics. I never thought I’d say this, but I actually miss wearing blouses. You know, legit blouses, with buttons and pretty detailing and low stretch tailoring.

I’m scared to put on anything “low stretch” these days. The tailoring will most certainly tug and pucker after weeks of mindless snacking. I’m going to give myself some grace on that.

I miss getting a text from my sister at the end of a long work day. “Do you happen to be nearby? Want to grab a beer?” We live on opposite ends of the same town, and we’ll quickly pick a midpoint spot where we can grab a pint and vent before heading home to our families. I miss hopping onto the stool as the bartender wipes down the counter and slides a happy hour menu in front of me. I miss our perfectly synched exhalations before our glasses clink. I even miss the intrusive interjections of the drunk old guys who are on their umpteenth round of Old Style tall boys, watching Jeopardy and complaining about their wives.

I wonder what those guys are doing with their afternoons now. Probably drinking tall boys, watching Jeopardy, and still complaining about their wives – or, rather, TO their wives.

I miss date nights with my husband. I miss the familiar laugh of our favorite server and splitting a ½ price bottle at a quiet corner table, talking about our kids as if we didn’t just see them 15 minutes ago when we dropped them off at their grandparents’. (We don’t drop them off anywhere now. They’re always… right here.) I miss grabbing a night cap after the perfect dinner, and spending an hour in a musty dive bar, people watching. I miss making mental notes of their odd idiosyncrasies, as they conduct their sloppy mating rituals like peacocks in heat.

I miss picking our kids up from their grandparents’ and honking the horn as we pull out of the driveway. I miss waving bye to my parents as they stand in the front window in their pajamas – waving bye until next weekend, when we’ll meet for church or coffee or to take a walk around the downtown market, just to get some more quality time in.

I miss the kids’ teachers. I miss the other parents from the bus stop. I miss watching the little kids run up and down the sidewalk, playing tag as they wait for Ms. Mary to pull up in that big yellow bus as she does every morning at 8:00. I miss watching them stumble up the bus steps like little turtles, their gigantic backpacks spanning from neck to knee.

I miss asking them what they did at school today. I already know what they did at school today. They basically taught themselves math because I have never heard the term “number bond” before. Sorry, guys.

I miss the band concerts and play dates and impromptu nights out with friends and the leisurely errands on Saturday afternoons. I miss the chaos of rushing to karate class and music lessons, and texting people that I’ll be there soon when I haven’t even left my house yet.

I miss leaving my house.

I know, with time, this too shall pass. But I still miss the things that time has already passed over, those moments that we’ll never get back.

But mostly, I just really miss being around people in places.

Self-Isolation: An Unexpected Emotional Tripwire

coronavirus

My family and I were sitting on the couch last Wednesday, watching “Everybody Loves Raymond” on TV Land, as we always do. It was the one where Marie is badgering Amy and Robert about the thank you cards from their wedding. While we laughed about what a nag mothers can be, I anxiously stared at my laptop, waiting to start my virtual physician visit.

The day prior, I woke up feeling off. Super tired, scratchy throat, an occasional booming cough that seemed to launch straight from my sternum. I was nervous about coronavirus, but my rational side had already decided it was something scary that happens to other people. When I got the call from the doctor, I ran up the stairs to my room so I could take it in private. I didn’t want to scare the kids – they had no inkling that I was even sick. By the time I scaled the mere six stairs to the upper landing of our split-level ranch, I was completely winded. I started the call sounding like I was fresh off a cardio session.

The doctor informed me in a very matter-of-fact tone that I most likely had COVID-19 and I should act accordingly. This was likely his 100th consult of the day and his bedside manor was shot. He explained that I was low risk – 36 years old, clean bill of health, non-smoker, with no known contact to a COVID-positive person. Of course, there was no way of knowing that for sure. Illinois had been in shelter-in-place mode for weeks and the only time we left the house was to grab groceries, and we did that sparingly. Still, despite my efforts to keep my distance, the grocery aisles were narrow and teeming with mask-less shoppers. I counted the days since my last grocery trip – four days.

Low risk meant no test referral. He explained that a positive test wouldn’t change the treatment plan since we’re just managing the symptoms, not the virus itself. He prescribed me an inhaler, a slew of vitamins and orders to take Mucinex, and then instructed me to self-isolate for seven days.

I’m not going to dwell on the illness itself here. I’m not knocking on death’s door – not today, at least. Fatigue, labored breathing, erratic body temperature, yada yada yada. You can Google “COVID” and get the run-down of every possible symptom. Fact of the matter, this is a highly infectious, nasty little virus that seems to manifest differently in each person. Simply stated, it’ll make you feel like a crappy sack of potatoes. Instead, what I felt compelled to do on this, my fourth day of my isolation sentence, is to share the emotional symptoms.

When you’re infected and isolated, your physical body becomes a battlefield, and your spirit becomes the collateral damage.

I knew that this was going to be an emotional rollercoaster the minute I walked back down the stairs to tell my family what the doctor said. My 11-year-old daughter burst into tears. I tried to convince her it was not a big deal and she sobbed back, “How can you say that? They cancelled school because of it!” Okay, good point. Well, I’m going to be okay, I rebutted. She asked how I could be so sure.

I wasn’t sure, not sure at all. Regardless, I felt my job at the moment was to reassure my children so I promised I would be fine. It felt a bit hollow, but they bought it.

My husband stripped the linens off our bed. We decided that for the isolation period, I would stay in my daughter’s room and it would be off limits to everyone. No one could use the downstairs bathroom except me. I wouldn’t leave the room except to go to the bathroom and occasionally sit in my socially distant chair in the living room. We tried the “social chair” for a night and decided not to do that anymore. For one, we weren’t sure if the mere act of me breathing would be putting a toxic cloud into the air. And then there was the fact that I could not sit upright in a chair for more than 15 minutes before I had to lie down.

When you’re infected, you’re not supposed to touch anything in the house. If you do, it needs to be immediately sterilized. My husband is taking this very seriously – not allowing me to self-serve and when I do slip up, he puts on the gloves and grabs his bleach concoction and starts to spray.

Words cannot express how awful it feels to watch your doting husband furiously scrub his hands to the point that his skin is peeling and cracking – all because he touched something you touched. I watched him scrub his hands after accidentally touching my hands when he was giving me pills. If there was a sexy scale, with Gisele Bündchen on the one side, well…watching a man sterilize himself after touching your body – that’s the complete opposite of Gisele.

And as I wallow in this self-pity, I have to emphasize how critically important it is that he take these steps. He has to do it, and it’s no picnic for him either. He’s having to slather on moisturizing hand cream like an old lady at a Clinique counter. He has to hand deliver all my quarantine snacks. Trust me, if you think it’s shameful how many rounds of secret quarantine snacks you’ve had today – imagine having to ask your tired husband to get all of them for you. I had to stop making eye contact after the fifth round of Triscuits.

And then there’s the situation with my kids.

I’m not the most tender, physically affectionate woman in the world. But to not be able to hug, kiss, or snuggle my children under these circumstances? It’s torture. Yet they’ve been so well-adjusted through all this. They respect the distance. They make me cards and leave little bins of miscellaneous toys and treasures to serve as mementos. They go about their days as best they can. It’s been a cold winter and recently we’ve enjoyed glimpses of spring. As such, they’ve been outside playing basketball in the driveway, taking walks through the wooded prairie path, and drawing pretty pictures on the sidewalks. And all the while, I stare at them from the window of my isolation chamber, like a creepy pandemic ghost lady.

I have an N95 mask on the bookshelf near the window. I once considered putting it on and poking my head out the window at dusk to see if I could spook them, just for kicks.

I did not. There’s sick, and then there’s sick. I know my limits.

When it comes to navigating this whole thing with my family, the lowest point was this afternoon when I walked down the stairs to go to the restroom and my 6-year-old son, recoiling in feigned horror and disgust, exclaimed, “NO! DON’T COME NEAR ME!” It was a throwaway joke. He forgot it as soon as he said it, quickly re-focusing on his tuna sandwich. My daughter and husband seemed unphased by his silliness.

But I’m not going to lie, it felt like a dagger to the heart. Oh, how I wept. If only coronavirus could be expelled through my tear ducts as easily as it entered them.

I know this whole thing will be a mere blip on the radar in a few years. A bad memory, and probably a good story for my grandchildren. It’s a good story now, isn’t it? Everyone keeps reminding me that it’s going to make good material for my blog, maybe some future memoir or screenplay. I’m certain it’s made good fodder for other people’s dinner conversations. While I’ve been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my co-workers, friends, and community, I’m also fighting the insecurity of being a circus side show, a compelling curiosity for people who up until now have only experienced coronavirus through the news.

“This girl I knew from so-and-so has it,” they can say during their next Zoom happy hour. Wow, interesting!

As I deal with the emotional and physical ramifications of this uncomfortable situation, I seek the humor. I try to conjure a joke or enjoy topical internet content. Unfortunately, some of the memes have lost their luster now that I’m on the other side of this. But I’m conditioned to crave that levity, so I’m constantly trying to downplay my feelings in the spirit of “perspective.” After all, things could always be way worse. I could be gasping for breath, I could be in the ICU, I could be on a ventilator, I could be dead.

I’ve seen a lot of posts from people trying to dole out a harsh dose of perspective for people. They’re even bringing Anne Frank into this – disregarding people’s struggles with isolation by reminding us that we could be crammed in an attic right now. I suppose that’s fair, but what benefit is there to this unrelenting invalidation of people’s emotional response?

More repressed trauma, of course. It’s the American way!

And since we always MUST find the silver lining of everything – oh God, the requisite silver lining, the positive takeaway, the KEY LEARNINGS – I guess I’m grateful for the opportunity to rest. I’ve been using a newly gifted oximeter to check my blood oxygen levels for the last few days and I’ve been happy to see them in normal range, despite the wheezing. Sometimes I wonder what the oximeter would have said a week ago, just before I fell ill, when I was in the throes of a grueling 60-hour work week.

Because I’ve been forced to just sit here, I’ve learned so much more about my daughter by staring at her bookshelves and open notebooks and doodles. I’ve felt an immense tug at my heartstrings as I’ve looked the photos with her sweet little friends. She’s accepted that she’s probably not returning to school this semester. The last exciting weeks of 5th grade, the grand exit from elementary school, will be spent in this house with her parents and little brother. She won’t complain, she’ll let it roll off. But I know, deep down inside, she’s hurting.

As I reflect on this, I recognize that whether sick or well, old or young, we’re all slogging through this unchartered territory together. We can keep stocking up on Tylenol and toilet paper, research the merits of hydroxychloroquine, and suck on inhalers in lieu of any real at-home treatments. But what we shouldn’t fail to care for is the emotional repercussions of this journey.

Because at the end of the day, the collateral damage is usually the most costly.

True Love Can Be a Crap in the Pants

Uncategorized

In the incomparable show “30 Rock,” the character Jenna Maroney describes love as such:

“It’s hiding who you are at all times. It’s wearing makeup to bed and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop!”

I remember sharing this sentiment as a younger woman. I carried my cosmetic bag everywhere I went. I brushed my hair hourly. My legs were always shaved. If I was eating in front of a man, I was eating salad or pecking at my dish with feigned disinterest. God, it’s so asinine, the pleasures I withheld from myself in order to acquiesce to the male gaze.

The night I met my husband, I was drinking a low calorie Michelob Ultra. That was my go-to drink, or a rum and diet. I don’t remember what he was drinking but it was much cooler than a domestic light beer. He’s a bona fide foodie, but he also despises words like “foodie,” which are honestly the best kind of foodies. He was a restaurant manager with a seasoned career in the food industry, and as our relationship took off, so did my immersion into the Chicago area culinary scene. Nothing was off limits: sashimi and quail eggs, wild game meat, Pakistani street food, Eastern European bohemian (where you get a cup of jello and a side of cottage cheese for dessert), and everything in between.

It may sound like our relationship was sponsored by “Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown,” but the one hiccup is that I have a very sensitive stomach. We’re talking IBS, lactose intolerance, and fingers that swell to the proportions of a bloated pig intestine should my body have to process the slightest hint of salt. However, unlike the thousands of other women with precious stomachs who also have boundaries and discipline, I choose to just power through the pain.

I’ve sacrificed my body to good food, which is way better than sacrificing my body to Fleece Vest Chad.

You know how you know you’ve met your life partner? After you’ve collectively scooped brain from a duck skull during dim sum in Chicago’s Chinatown neighborhood. After you’ve eaten a questionable batch of cuttlefish, after you’ve said, “YES PLEASE” to every bit of meat and shell fish on a lopsided lazy susan.

It was mere weeks into dating that I joined my now-husband’s family for a celebratory Chinese brunch. My sister-in-law is from Shanghai and is a delightfully adventurous diner. Not only am I game for anything that hits my plate under normal circumstances, but I also served up some serious new girlfriend gusto, enthusiastically blurting out “YUM” for a cool 90 minutes.

For the entire drove home via Chicago’s westbound I-290 expressway, I felt untouchable. I had just won the Girlfriend Super Bowl. There was no conversation I couldn’t join, no 1980s pop culture reference I couldn’t glom onto, no Cantonese dish I wouldn’t toss down my esophagus with the enthusiasm of a thousand homecoming dates.

“That went great!” he said as he squeezed my thigh.

It sure did. IT SURE DID.

…until it didn’t.

His bathroom floor tile was so cold as it pressed up against my cheek. That damn cuttlefish. A mere two hours ago, I casually tossed that cursed animal into my mouth as I waxed poetic about Fleetwood Mac with my future father-in-law. It served its purpose that afternoon but punished my hubris that evening.

Like one of those wall-mounted singing bass fish, the cuttlefish taunted me and my delicate bowels to the tune of Talking Heads’ “Take Me to the River.”

KNOCK KNOCK

“Babe, are you okay?”

If there’s any place I wished I could have been at that moment, it was evacuating dim sum from both ends at the Burger King, not in my new boyfriend’s apartment. No amount of sultry eyeliner or potpourri spray could offset this nightmare.

I was mortified. Fleece Vest Chad would never abide. But Allen, future husband, did.

He rubbed my back. He kissed my head. He poured me a glass of club soda. He pretended not to smell the bioterrorism my body just unleashed through the 800 square foot apartment he called home.

My mouth muttered “DON’T TOUCH ME” but my eyes said, “I LOVE YOU.” I slept on his dilapidated green couch that night, clenching my orifices in humiliation. I knew in that moment I would hold his heart in my heart forever.

Ladies, if you want to find your one true love, don’t rely on astrology or Cosmo quizzes or the judgement of your friends. Eat a bad batch of seafood and let it ride. The man who holds your hand as you crap your pants is certainly the man with whom you want to grow old.

The Joy of the Eternal Rookie

Uncategorized

A silver haired, curmudgeonly man approached me under the fluorescent lights of a Publix grocery store, two decades ago. He asked me where he could find hearing aid batteries. I had no idea. I was only a week or two into my new job as a cashier and customer service associate. I only knew where baby diapers were, and that’s because we were standing right in front of them. He seemed irritated with my ignorance, which filled me with anxiety disproportionate to the situation.

I remember wanting to quit. I wanted to quit a dozen times, because I felt foolish not having the answer. Over time, I went on to master the entire product catalog of that store, learning to identify merchandise placement in every department, aisle, and shelf. At that point, I was ready to move to something new, and the learning curve pattern started over again. This stubborn pattern emerges with every single job, life stage, and hobby I take on. I wanted to quit at my first marketing job out of college, I wanted to quit at my first challenge as a people manager, I wanted to quit when new motherhood felt too painful, when my finances were disastrous. But the reality of the learning curve applies to all undertakings, no matter your age or station.

There’s nothing in the life that doesn’t have a learning curve. You’re not born with any skill set that doesn’t require at least some degree of effort, save for pooping and sleeping – and any honest adult will admit that there’s a new learning curve to both of those things starting at some point in your mid-30s.

Fortunately, I’m learning to relish the uphill trudge rather than use it as an excuse to flake out.

Today, I find no excitement or beauty in stories of coasting or ease of acclimation. I’m attracted to humans struggling along the learning curve, who are demonstrating sweaty effort and the emotions of intermittent failure. I love encouraging the new barista behind the Starbucks register, trying to figure out how to hit all the right buttons to process some dude’s half-caff, two-pump monstrosity. I love when my daughter collapses on my bed at 8:30 PM because she just can’t solve the math problem. I giddily adjust two sets of fluffy pillows on which will put our heads together to figure it out. I love to massage the shoulders of bloody nippled friends who have just birthed their babies, giving them the same rah-rah pep of a boxing coach in the corner of the ring.

Slogging through intellectual, emotional, or physical resistance is the kind of rich human experience that we have to embrace, because it’s a requirement of anything worth doing. Any endeavor that is too easy feels like a total cheat.

Parents are pressured to give their children a range of extracurricular experiences – you know, to see what sticks. Team sports, music, performance, visual arts… we plop these kids into a million park district and school-sponsored activities and prod them along their own learning curves. “You won’t be any good if you don’t practice!” “It’s important to commit for the good of the team!” “How do you know if you will be any good if you don’t give it a try?” We wipe away their tears when they don’t make the team, telling them that the fact that they made the effort is even more noble than becoming the captain.

Why do we act as if this vulnerable experimentation only applies to children? If anyone needs an extracurricular, it’s Carol in Accounting, who risks spending the next 20 years being defined by a single set of circumstances instead of the full spectrum of possibilities that she fails to pursue. Over the past 10 years since I’ve become a mom and a career woman, I’ve joined a recreational roller derby league, studied comedy writing, formed a comedy troupe, experimented with stand-up, done kickboxing, joined more than one book club, attempted ink sketching, put myself in front of cameras at work, and started a blog. In all of these moments, I felt like a fumbling rookie, just a few strides onto a steep learning curve that I had zero confidence I’d be able to surmount. This was true in a few cases, but a total underestimation in other cases.

We were not put on this earth to coast through the motions. We were put here to live. I’d rather be perpetually powering towards my aspirations as a member of the junior varsity than being bored at the top of varsity.

There’s satisfaction in being at the top of your game, but there’s exhilarating joy in being the eternal rookie. Here’s to trying new things, potential failure be damned. As far as I’m concerned, there’s more sexiness in the effort than the success.

In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed but that our power to do has increased.”

Tales of a Second Grade Spitfire

Uncategorized

It’s January. ‘Tis the season of motivation!

Gone are the days of trendy diets and “scientifically proven” workout regimens. A generation ago, January represented an uptick in gym memberships. Today, January is the time to read up on your Love Language, determine your Enneagram, and start practicing yoga – not to trim your thighs, of course, but rather to cleanse your chakras and recalibrate your mind’s eye.

The zeitgeist of today is dripping in New Age affirmations and I’m lapping it up like a kitten with her face in a saucer of organic nut-based milk.

“LOOK DEEP INSIDE YOURSELF!” the chorus cries out. “THE ONLY STRENGTH YOU NEED IS ALREADY INSIDE OF YOU!” The idea is here is that if you can bushwhack through the tangled jungles of past traumas and toxic cultural narratives, you will ultimately find a sparkling jewel of self-realization.

Unfortunately, this has been my sticking point.

Just look inside yourself!

Okay, bumper sticker on a Subaru. I’ll just go and do that, as if Maya Angelou and Joan of Arc are simply wading about in the deepest cavities of my soul, just waiting to be fished up and sic’d on whatever egregious stressor is ruining my day. Maybe if I cough hard enough, a hairball containing a collection of Brene Brown mantras will come tumbling out.

I’m irritated that as a 36-year-old woman living the 2020, I need to be encouraged to dig deep for strength in the first place. After all, I’ve felt the burn of not one but two human skulls tearing through my cervix in the last decade. I assembled an IKEA entertainment system all by myself with nothing but $3 Trader Joe pinot noir in my blood and Michael Buble’s 2005 seminal album “It’s Time” in my ears.

I’m a survivor! I’ve seen some shit!

In some ways, the misadventures of adulthood have added a layer or two of scaly protection atop my thickened skin. I’m usually adept at letting certain cruelties and injustices roll off me and I credit that to normal life experience. But in many ways, I’m softer now than I was as a little girl.

As I’ve discussed before, contrary to the popular belief that all little girls are conditioned to be docile, apologetic conformists who grow up to be shrinking violets who get passed up for promotions, I feel like I’ve long been running on the lingering fumes of my younger self.

Truth be told, 8-year-old Rachel was a stone cold broad. So, if I must dig deep to unearth the inner strength needed to power through this cruel world, then I’m digging a tunnel straight to 1991.

Second grade. My punk rock year.

They say well-behaved women seldom make history. Well, second grade was probably my worst year, behaviorally, and the closest I’ve ever been to a true, scorched earth renegade. I hate to admit it, but I may have peaked when I was 8.

Let me just start by explaining that in 1991, I looked a bit like George Costanza if he was an American Girl doll. I just think it’s important for you to have that visual as we dive into my salacious past.

It all started with a note that needed to be signed by my parents. I don’t remember if I didn’t want her to see it or if I had simply forgotten to get the signature and realized it was due that day, but either way, that day at school, I made the split-second decision to forge my mom’s signature.

I gripped that Lisa Frank pencil with a determination as fiery as a thousand suns and signed my mother’s name with these giant, sophisticated swooping loops never seen before that day and never seen since. It was a masterpiece. Did it look like my mom’s signature? No. Did it even look like a signature? Not really. I had not yet been taught cursive, so it was more like a sloppy sketch of a sideways snowman.

But I owned it. I believed in it when no one else did – namely my teacher, Mrs. Carter.

When she confronted me, I told her that my mother gave me verbal authorization to sign on her behalf while she was in the shower. This was just how we chose to manage business in our home, I explained. She relented. At the time, I thought she bought it. Now I just realize that she probably hated her job because of tyrants like me and had finite battles that she wanted to fight. Mrs. Carter had likely already given up on my entire generation.

No matter. I had already tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of rebellion and it was time to up the ante.

At first, I kept it small. When I was instructed to vacuum my room, I did so, but without actually turning the vacuum on. I made the vacuum lines on the carpeting but didn’t clean up any of the mess. The fact that I still did the manual labor of vacuuming was irrelevant. The dirt was still there and hence, I was sticking it to the man.

THAT’S RIGHT, MOM, LOOK UPON MY FILTH!

Other times, I would pretend to eat everything on my plate but I was actually spitting it into my napkin in small increments, disposing of those steamed vegetables with the stealthy precision of the world’s deadliest assassins.

YES, FATHER, MY CLEAN PLATE AWARD WAS BUT A SCATHING SYMBOL OF MY EVIL GENIUS!

But my boldest moment came after listening to an angry tirade about the war on Christianity by 90s conservative radio darling Rush Limbaugh while in the car with my dad. There was a war! What a revelation. And here I thought war was over. We were fresh on the heels of the Gulf War and many of my friends’ parents were just returning home from that. But according to Rush Limbaugh, there was still a war on Christianity. And, according to the sing-a-longs at Vacation Bible School, I was in the Lord’s army. As a young, moon faced Lutheran white girl wearing outlet mall Reeboks, I realized I was being oppressed and it was time to rise up and revolt.

I woke up the next morning, strapped on my armor – orange floral Oshkosh overalls, naturally – and headed out to the battlefield. The state of things proved confusing in the context of Mr. Limbaugh’s grave warnings. The world around me was still strangely Christian-friendly. People still said “bless you!” after a sneeze, church parking lots still appeared full, and at school we still enjoyed a 60-second prayer break before lunch. (I mean, it was the Deep South.)

Clearly the cowardly enemy had to be coaxed out of hiding!

Suddenly, what started as my earnest attempt to be a crusader for Christ became a concerted effort to wield religion as a weapon of power and shame.

As we stood in line in the cafeteria, the twisted stench of country fried steak and okra swelled. Satan and his minions were taunting me and it was time for a strategic counterstrike. I lifted my arms up and gave the entire student body the middle finger. Double middle fingers, in fact! The most egregious of hand gestures.

My classmates were beside themselves. “Mrs. Carterrrrrrrr! Rachel’s giving people the birrrrrrd!” What a bunch of little narcs, and they were playing right into my plan. Predictable.

Poor Mrs. Carter, who just wanted to eat her thermos of room temperature casserole, walked towards me. “Rachel…” she said. It was more of a breathy exhalation than a word spoken. She was sick of my crap.

“Mrs. Carter, where in the Bible does it say, ‘Thou shall not give people the bird,’” I interrupted.

That was it. That was my big play. She and I both knew there were no references to flipping people off in the Bible. The public school system was here to oppress me with man’s law, not God’s law, and I would not let them police my body and my freedom of expression with their secular strictures. And fortunately, she didn’t really have an answer to my badass hardball.

“Please just…stop.” She shuffled away dejectedly, back to her casserole and her dreams deferred.

Once empowered by the Holy Bird Flip of ’91, I proceeded to tote my Bible all over school, dramatically placing it over every textbook in the curriculum, eagerly waiting for someone to try to stop me, for the war to ignite. I treated every class like it was the Second Virginia Convention and I was Patrick Henry. “Give me liberty or give me death!”

I was like a little William F. Buckley, waiting for her Gore Vidal.

Of course, Gore Vidal would never come. The war I was anticipating never happened. Second grade ended and I’m pretty sure Mrs. Carter flew to the Maldives that summer and never returned. And I never listened to Rush Limbaugh again.

I grew up to become the woman I am today – relatively accomplished and extremely driven, but a lot less apt to take a stand on the matters that give me heartburn. I avoid confrontation at any cost and absorb any angst or discomfort in other people – pulling it from them and making it my own, all in the name of harmony.

And while I obviously have no interest in being the fundamentalist juggernaut I was for that short period nearly 30 years ago, I do yearn for that no holds barred attitude.

That little girl still lives inside of me. Ready to fight when the cause demands. A passionate spitfire who won’t be steamrolled and is more proactive than reactive.

And when the going gets tough, she knows that a couple well-timed middle fingers are just what the world needs.

A Short List of Super Specific New Year’s Resolutions

Uncategorized

1. Buy a new toothbrush before the plastic head beneath the frayed bristles shaves away my enamel.

2. Read the books and films that I hype on social media.

(It’s just that Toni Morrison’s The Source of Self-Regard looked so good with the Gingham filter on Instagram. And posting that Wes Anderson trailer was a lot easier than actually sitting through the whole movie. All that symmetry makes me sleepy.)

3. Recognize that the act of writing down who gave what gift during the birthday party is not the same as actually sending thank you cards. Get better at sending them.

4. Find out how often I’m supposed to be changing out these contacts, because I have a feeling it’s not every 8 months when they’re ripped and caked with bacteria.

5. Stop buying white shirts. White blouses are the privilege of women who don’t wear drugstore foundation and can get a meatball in their mouth without hitting the rim. Nothin’ but net. (Or, maybe they don’t eat meatballs? Whatever, I don’t want that life.)

6. Stop buying “tummy firming” undergarments. All they do is relocate the fat to a different spot. I’d rather have a round paunch than have my torso look like a chef’s hat.

7. Learn how to enjoy a nap without the guilt. Let the children fend for themselves. They know how to open a bag of chips, or turn on Netflix, or dial 911. The fire extinguisher is but a few frantic steps away.

8. Stop trying on shoes in an 8 ½. That ship has sailed. I’m a solid 9 now. Blame it on the pregnancies. Actually, stop blaming things on the pregnancies. My kids are 6 and 11. My big feet, wide hips, and weak bladder are just part of who I am as a woman.

9. Let overly aggressive drivers pass on the highway. We don’t have to race. This is not Tokyo Drift – it’s the suburbs and no place is worth dying in a fiery crash to get to. Except, apparently, Old Navy on annual $1 flip-flop day.

10. Even though the sight and sound of flip-flops make me want to fold up inside of myself like a Popple having a panic attack, stop giving people shit for wearing them. Live and let live! C’est la vie! Laissez-faire!

BONUS RESOLUTION: Brush the dust off the French Rosetta Stone kit I got for Christmas 10 years ago… then promptly put it back on the shelf, dust-free.

A Release for Peace

Uncategorized

In the new year, I will let go.

I will let go of the disappointment in the mirror.

Too much of my heart is wasted trying to convince my eyes that what they see is deficient

I will let go of the unrelenting drive to win.

Or, rather, the need to win over those whose approval is nothing but a wisp of vapor never to be grasped.

Even my quest for self-validation is a perpetual hamster wheel, because I compete only with myself – making me the winner only when I lose.

I will let go of the fear, for fear is the lone obstruction between me and peace. And I will let go of antiquated concepts of peace, the rules for which bear little resemblance to the life I wish to live.

So I’ll venture off-path to travel to the place I’m meant to be.

But only if I manage to let go.